my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
