and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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