do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
