he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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