I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
