So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize