Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
