I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
