someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
