hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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