areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
