i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
