Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
