Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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