if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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