He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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