Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
