Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
