Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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