just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
