Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
