I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
