seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize