totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
