last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
