wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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