I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
