She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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