so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
