just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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