You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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