I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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