Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
