New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
