What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
