Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize