i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
