My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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