My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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