remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
