I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just invented taco cereal.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
