I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize