I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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