those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
