I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
