HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
