I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
