i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
