it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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