I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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