i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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