i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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