my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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