how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
