dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
