anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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