the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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