Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
