She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
