New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
