I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
