Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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