I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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