I can text with my tongue
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
