Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
