so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
