Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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