already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
