Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
