I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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