The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
