I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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