bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
